A very lenty post .....during Christmas.

     I know it's still the middle of the Christmas season, but I've got a post with a bit of a lenty feel for you.  

    A few of you who I manage to keep in touch with personally know that there has been a big dark cloud of medical mystery hovering over someone in the household for a few years.  Things have gotten worse in the last year and a half or so, and we never really know whether each day will be peaceful or painful.  Either way, the days have not been easy and light in the past few years.  It HAS been easy to be discouraged and wonder why God doesn't lift the suffering.  It's one thing to ponder the problem of evil from a theological perspective, but quite another to stare it in the face.  

    Tonight, whilst doing the dishes and wallowing in a tiny bit of self-pity because of letting myself get disappointed during the Christmas season, something clicked.  It's always interesting when things that you have knowledge of in your brain suddenly become things that you have knowledge of in your heart and soul.  I think Christopher West calls it the "6-inch drop" from head to heart.

    We usually pray our rosary along with scripture every night as a family.  There's this youtube video we pray along with that has a really short scripture verse for every Hail Mary in the Rosary.  It's a nice aid to help us meditate on the mysteries.  Tonight, being Friday, we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries.  During the Agony in the Garden, part of the passage that was read from Luke 22 said, "He prayed more earnestly".  I thought to myself, Jesus had to pray harder?  I mean at that point he had already prayed to God the Father asking Him to take away the cup of suffering.  But the cup still wasn't taken away.  I had never really thought deeply about Jesus having to pray several times and praying harder.

    

Usually when I teach Theology of the Body, there's a decent discussion about the Fatherhood of God in the garden of Eden and how the serpent is bent on destroying humanity's trust in God, the good and loving Father.  I usually emphasize how God is a good Father, and this is one of the truths that we're supposed to take from reading Genesis and the story of Creation and the Fall.  Unlike Adam and Eve, we're supposed to trust and be obedient to the will of God the Father.

    Sometimes when you're faced with the consequences of sin in the world and real-life suffering it's tempting to doubt God's goodness.  It's tempting to listen to the voice of the serpent who insinuates, "Is he really a good Father?"  I mean look, he didn't even save His only Son from the most excruciating and humiliating suffering of all time.  Why?  Why didn't he grant the request of the most perfect, most holy, most good, most obedient Son of all time?  

    Redemption.  Salvation.  That's why.  

    God the Father had bigger plans.  Jesus' suffering, death, and resurrection meant something and was efficacious.  The cup of suffering and death won redemption for us all.  It paid the punishment of the sin from the Garden of Eden.

    So as I look at my loved one suffering day after day, I have to hope that that suffering is also being allowed because of Redemption.  Who knows which souls are being helped by that suffering?  Maybe it's mine, maybe it's the kids, maybe it's the soul of some random struggling person on the other side of the world.  One of the truths that we're taught as Catholics is that we participate with Christ in redemption through our own sufferings, if we offer them to Him.  It reminds me of Mother Teresa's quote, "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other,".  

    We're all connected in the body of Christ.   

    God has a plan.  God is good.  Jesus is with us.  Glory to God in the Highest!

    Anyways, I'm sure all of you already know this, I just like to write when things click in my soul.        

    Merry Christmas everyone!  Please keep us in your prayers, you are in ours.

Jesus always shows up

 Here's a fun story.

Last night my husband and I were talking to Clare (12yo) about how Jesus shows up when you pray even if it isn't glaringly apparent at the time. She said that he doesn't always say things to her in prayer and it was hard to know if he's there all the time.  I tried to make it very clear that Jesus always shows up even if all he does is simply sit and be with us.

Sometimes when I do imaginary prayer and sit with Jesus in my favorite spot we just sit.  He doesn't say anything and I don't either.  We just sit in silence and that's wonderful enough.  Other times I find that I hear him saying things almost as clearly as I hear anyone else.  But what I have found in life is that if I make the tiniest effort to reach out for Jesus because I need him, he shows up.

Fast forward to earlier today.  After 8 years of homeschooling and disorganization (ie: papers and craft supplies all over the school room) we lost some flash cards that were part of our language arts set for 2nd grade.  I got irritated and stomped downstairs yelling, "St. Anthony where are the cards??!" 

Then I started rifling through stacks of papers and basically garbage on shelves in the school room getting more and more irritated at the huge mess until I finally blurted out, "demon of disorganization get out of here! Jesus where are the cards?" I had barely finished yelling when the next thing my fingers touched while rifling through a shelf full of paper crap was the 8 cards rubber banded together.

I told Clare, "See? Jesus always shows up even if you're yelling 'Jesus where are the cards?!?!' "

Christmas wish

I am sitting in the living room alone right now.  I just put a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving (in two days) in the oven.  Before that I put some dry brine on the gigantic turkey.  The other pie crust I put in the freezer to deal with tomorrow.

  I sat down a moment ago to start a show on Netflix, and some cheesy Christmas movie preview automatically started showing.  I sort of balk at it in my head thinking, "It's not even Thanksgiving yet!"

Then I began to think, "I wish people knew about Advent. Is this even related to Christmas?  Why are all these Christmas movies the same? "

All those heart warming cheesy Christmas rom-coms we find now on Netflix and the Hallmark channel that flood the screens as soon as the weather begins to get cold all seem to swirl around the same theme.  Unfortunately it isn't Advent.  It isn't even really Christmas.  At least not Christmas if we're talking about the birth of  Jesus Christ.  I think most of them revolve around wishes.

"Christmas" wishes.

Will I get what I want?  Will it be the most wonderful romantic man I've ever dreamed of?  A knight in shining armor?  Will it be the puppy I've been begging my parents for?  Will it be a warm fuzzy feeling because all of my family is gathered around me drinking cider around the fireplace singing Christmas carols and sounding like Pentatonix?

Where did this idea that Christmas gives us all we ever wished for come from?
Maybe it's because Christmas gives us more than we could ever wish for.

I've been thinking a lot about those transcendentals lately.  How the true, good and beautiful are supposed to lift our minds and hearts to God.  The truth said and heard in our daily lives.  The good people we meet, things we have, or food we eat.  The beautiful Cathedral we worship in or earth we walk on.

All of these wonderful things we see and sometimes wish for have their place.  They have their purpose, to help us remember the source of all truth, goodness, and beauty.

I think it's important as we break open the season of advent to remember that our wishes and desires need to be properly ordered, to reflect our truest desire, to be in union with God for eternity.  Nothing is more exciting, thrilling, heartwarming, or beautiful than that.

God will love us infinitely more than that cheesy knight in shining armor from the holiday Netflix movie.

Who's excited for Advent?  Woot!  Let's prepare our hearts for Jesus.

A glimpse of heaven

Last weekend I got to do something amazing.  My awesome husband let me escape for a few days so that I could join my sister at Evans Lake.

 It was the summer camp we both worked at for numerous summers.  Before working there, I was also a camper for a few years.  They were holding an event called Camp Big Kid where former staff members could come up for the weekend and play like a kid at camp. 

It was a glorious three days.  I'll get into more details about it in a moment.

After I left camp, I went to Sunday Mass with my parents at their Parish for the Solemnity of the Ascension.  It was a beautiful Mass, unfortunately the homily was just sort of ho hum.  Nothing earth shaking for me.  

After a couple hours of driving and a random search at the border where I was detained, (yay, thanks border security), I got home and happily listened to a great podcast homily from my good friend and old College buddy Father Bryan Ochs out of St. Rose in Longview, WA.

You can listen to the homily here.

In his homily he speaks a little bit about how we can have glimpses of hell and of heaven on earth.  He talks about isolation from others being a sort of hell.  He then talks about how being in communion with others gives a glimpse of heaven and the communion of saints.

I found this part of the homily particularly pertinent to my experience that day and that weekend.  I had just come from camp and all of the words said, things experienced, and people I love were still close in my mind.  The goodbyes were still fresh and I was still in disbelief that camp was over.

No other place, (outside of Mass) makes me feel closer to God than Evans Lake.  This fact in particular is one reason I have been going there in my mind for the last few months in my daily meditations.  I have been spending time with Jesus in prayer at the rockslide, at campfire, on chimney rock, on the lake trail, etc.  

I got the feeling last weekend that a few of my friends felt close to the eternal there too.  One of my friends Steve said, "Evans Lake is my religion, and I haven't been to Church in a while".  My other friend Kalen said something like feeling like he was in heaven while we were on a hike in the Evans Lake forest.  Why?  Why does being in this particular forest with these people  doing crazy things make us feel this way?

I think there are a few things to note here.

First let me point out, Evans Lake is not affiliated with any religion.  It is a secular camp.  The staff comes from all different backgrounds, liberals, conservatives, Christian, Atheist, Pagan, Jewish, Buddhist, Gay, Straight.  You name it.  Everyone is represented.  

Second, I have not seen these people in several years.  Some of them ten years or more.  Some of the newer staff I had never even met.

I think that being in a place outdoors speaks to our hearts of the divine and the eternal.  In the Catechism it says that through seeing the beauty of creation we can come to a knowledge of God.  So while admiring the beauty of nature, our hearts immediately turn to thank God for that beauty.   

I have also noticed that at camp, even though we have such different world views and political leanings outside of camp, when we are at camp we just love and respect each other.  There has always been a great deal of emphasis on respecting the people you encounter at camp.  So in this effort to be respectful I find that we have often been able to love each other for our little quirks and special qualities.  I think we feel so loved for just being ourselves.  I heard that a friend said, "I can be my whole self at camp".  We feel free.  We act weird.  We dress up like crazy people for themed lunches and breakfasts and we don't feel self conscious because there's just this knowledge that we will be loved through all of it.

Some of these people who I haven't seen in maybe 14 years since I last worked there immediately gave me long happy hugs when I arrived.  It's like we never skipped a beat, friends for all this time.  

It reminds me of a part of the Theology of the Body (Pope John Paul II's book) where we speak about mankind before the fall, where there was original justice and harmony.  People could love without fear of risk or rejection.  They were free to be their whole selves without fearing abuse from the other.

Coming back to camp felt like coming to a wedding reception.  Everyone you know and love is there and everyone is happy to celebrate!  It reminds me of how heaven is described as the wedding feast of the lamb in the Bible.

Lastly, while we are at camp we're goofing off.  The weight of the world seems far away.  We trust whoever is the COD (coordinator of the day) that whatever comes next will be amazing and hilarious.  We act like kids, playing crazy games, knowing what to expect and accepting whatever is given to us.  We return to a sort of innocent and playful childhood.  

Wouldn't it be amazing if everyone's experience of Church were like this?  

 Seeing God everywhere we look, feeling loved by everyone we meet, feeling free, confident and trusting WHO is in charge? 

The reason my friends feel God in this place is because He is there.  Through the beauty of his creation, through the love of the people present, and through the joy in the heart of being childlike again.  God was there.  It was beautiful.

I pray that everyone find a community like this.  I pray that my own church can grow more communities like this.  And I pray for all of my Evans Lake buddies and their beautiful lives, spouses, and children.

To my friends at camp, you are amazing.  The weekend in our forest home was unforgettable and I thank you all for being there and bringing all of yourselves out to play.  It was good for my soul.

Keep being amazing human beings.  

Remember, (like Mer said) where we're all supposed to go if a zombie apocalypse breaks out...bring food and supplies and we'll blast the road.  LOL!

I love you all.  Big hugs.

The dawn from on high shall break upon us.

Today I got a text message in the morning from a friend about a "stop abortion bans" rally happening at a local park.  The rally is happening no doubt in response to Alabama's new law banning abortions in their state.

I told my kids what was happening and got them caught up on the current events surrounding this rally and asked them if they wanted to go and counter protest.  The answer from my five kiddos who are 10 and under was a resounding "yes!"

A friend and her kids were joining us and she texted that they had their St. Benedict medals ready to go.  The response from my kids was both surprising and inspiring when I told them to get their St. Benedict crucifixes, after the reminder from my friend.  They went into full spiritual combat gear up mode.  The 7 year old had just gotten a small holy water key chain container for his First Holy Communion, so he grabbed that and the Lourdes water he received as well.  They all grabbed rosaries, the 8 year old put on his St. Michael the Archangel t-shirt, they all wore their St. Benedict crucifixes and the 10 year old made sure we had the pro-life signs.  Taking a hint from my kids I grabbed some of our exorcised salt as well to take with us.

It's funny, they don't always know how to get ready to go for school, or a simple outing to the grocery store, but they seemed to know exactly what they would need to ready themselves for spiritual combat.

Seeing them readily gear up and hearing them so naturally pray the rosary with their friends today was a big sign of hope for me.  The Alabama law seems like the first break in the pro-choice wall that has been up for decades.  I think one of the most exciting points to note is that it was signed in by a woman.

There have been dark days lately.  For the world, and for me and my immediate family.  But the dawn is breaking it seems.  There are signs of hope and inspiration.  I have finally opened my eyes wide enough to see them.

Here are a few I have noticed lately:

-My husband is a hero.  Even in spite of pain and illness he still manages to be gentle, patient, and caring with the kids.  He manages to be patient, humble and gentle with me despite my moods and issues.  But most of all, through this rough time for him, he keeps on going.  He clings to hope and to God even when it is difficult and when he is frustrated.  That is everyday heroism. 💖💖💖

-Last Thursday I saw three boys, classmates of my kiddos, run out of their Spanish class as soon as it finished so that they wouldn't be late for altar serving at daily Mass.  Their dedication to going to daily Mass inspired us to follow them there and it was a joy to watch them serve so reverently.

-I see my parish priest toughing out the daily grind amidst his own physical illness and suffering.

-I see my priest friends keep loving and serving their parishoners despite backlash and sometimes hateful behavior.

-I see my friends ministering to and praying for others while their baby boy is in the hospital getting open heart surgery and going through hurdle after hurdle in recovery.

-I see my friends celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary, defying the throw away culture we live in and showing the world God-like love.

-I see my friend battling cancer while caring for her toddler and baby boy with strength, grace, hope, courage and love.

All of these things give me hope for a new day.  All of your beautiful lives and holy crosses are bearing the fruits of hope, peace and love in my heart and soul and also in the world around you.  Thank you all for living holy lives for the world to see.  Keep it up.  You are inspiring.

Thank you Jesus for these people who all answer the call to receive your love and bring it forth into the world.

Social media and the Liturgy of the Hours

Maybe it's because I'm getting old.  Maybe I have just forgotten the unspoken rules of social media interaction.  Whatever the reason, I feel I've made myself look very awkward on a few occasions on social media. 



Recently, like a good fb stalker friend, I had been following a friend's posts about personal struggles and questions.  Mind you, I hadn't had any real in person interaction with this individual in over 12 years.  At some point I started randomly commenting as though it was 12 years ago and I had just seen this person and had many conversations in a trusting friendship.  I am such a weirdo.  It was awkward.  It was taken awkwardly.  I now see the error of my ways. 



But that is what social media does to us isn't it?  For those friends who you don't normally interact with on a daily basis social media makes us feel as though we are still right there with them.  Sometimes depending on the original relationship this is totally fine, for those acquaintances, it can be awkward.

I find myself thinking, "I just want to be your friend!"  I spend a lot of time lamenting about how far away I actually am from some people.  I just want to be a part of your life!



In reality I can't.  I can't physically be a part of everyone's life and in everyone's business and talking to everyone about their problems.  It's just not realistic.  Not.....human.



Tonight we went to stations of the cross as a family.  The priest leading it was a Vietnamese priest with a wonderful accent.  As he was praying the closing prayers I found myself transported in my mind's eye to the many Churches around the world I have been fortunate enough to visit.  I imagined these same prayers being done in Churches in the Philippines, in Mexico, in India, in Spain, France, Australia, Canada, and all over the world.  It gave me such an amazing sense of hope and love to think that we were all uniting our prayers during this time of lent.  We as the Church were really together.



This made me remember something a Benedictine nun said to me during my discernment.  I had asked about why the Liturgy of the Hours was prayed daily and so many times a day.  What was the point of all the psalms?  Why not another form of prayer?  She told me that the psalms in the Liturgy of the Hours contain all the emotions a person can have.  So when we pray the psalms it is like praying for and with all of humanity.  You pray the prayers of sadness and joy along with the universal church.  You plug yourself into the lifeblood of the Church and your prayers join in with everyone all over the world because the psalms and the Mass are universal.  Priests, religious, and laypeople all pray the same prayers every day, united. 



I think the universality of the Liturgy of the Hours must be the answer for what social media lacks.  We long for closeness with friends and others.  We seek to be with people in their struggles and walk with them in their joy and pain.  On a human level this cannot be done properly on a grand scale.  But through humble prayers, joining with Jesus, it can.  We can plug in, through a different system.  A different social media platform.....it's called prayerbook. 

Bahahaha.  That was corny.



I love you all.  Don't be awkward like me.  Don't be surprised if I randomly comment on your posts when I haven't spoken to you in years. 

They love you for who you are

I came across this image on fb recently and the last line struck me.  The whole statement is trying to say that a friend will love you in spite of whatever is going on in your life and that they love you for "who you are".

I wonder how many people stop to think about that sentence.  That phrase is frequently used today.

 "Just love me for who I am."

"Accept me for who I am."

But do people stop to think about who they are?  What that really means?

I think that if that were actually the case, our world would look quite different.  John Paul II wrote about the unrepeatability of the human person.  The uniqueness of each and every human soul.  Each and every soul of course, being created and loved by God.

When you say you love someone for who they are, it means you are loving them without condition.  Not because they are smart, pretty, handsome, clever, hilarious, or loving.  All of those qualities can change.  All of those qualities can be usurped by someone else with more of those qualities.  Loving someone for who they are requires a permanence that is equal to the permanence and beauty of their unique eternal soul.

Furthermore, if you love someone for who they are, that means you have to know who they are.  Are they a man? Are they a woman?  Can you love them truly without acknowledging who they are? Can they love themselves?

God does this.  He sees who we truly are.  He sees more than we see ourselves.  I think so many people now are confused about who they are and confused about love.  It seems the phrase "They love you for who you are." Is a bit lost in our world, especially when it comes to marriage.

Who are you? A child of God.

Where does your worth come from? From being created in His image and being loved by Him.

So when you say love me for who I am it speaks to a greater depth of the soul.  Your deepest reality in who God created you to be.  Your qualities, your preferences, your desires, your passions.  Those will change.  You, are you.  God made you that way.  He loves you for who you are, always, eternally, boundlessly.

Love, whipped, tied, and tortured.

Want to know who I'm talking about?   Not those people in that movie about that book.  If there's anyone we should be enthralled with this Saint Valentine's Day it should not be Christian Grey.  It should most definitely be the person who won Saint Valentine's heart.  Namely, God.

Love itself whipped, scourged, tied, nailed, and tortured to death.   He gave himself up for us freely.  He gave himself totally.  He is faithful to the end.  His love brings us new life. 

The violent porn will not. 

Friends please, I'm joining the cacophony of internet voices and plead with you, if you do anything this Valentine's day, don't go see that horrible movie.  I hope it's the biggest flop.  I hope it doesn't get any funding for a sequel.  I have hope that people won't all go see porn at the box office.  But really? The sales of the book are pretty disheartening.  So many people bought that trash.  Wait, worse than trash.  It's poison.

Poison in, poison out.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

-Philippians 4:8

I just had a talk with Clare a few days ago about some weird valentine card she got from a ballet classmate.  I am so disconnected from the strange cartoons lately that I have no idea what the card was.  Monster something?  The card had two glamorous teenage monster things on it saying, "You're fang-tastic!"  I had to explain to the kiddo why Daddy and I don't really let her watch stuff like that.   I quoted the above from the Bible.  I had to explain that if we fill our mind and soul with ugliness we'll lose sight of heaven.  Beauty and goodness are given to us by God to remind us of our heavenly home.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that "50 Shades of Grey" is not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious, or excellent.  Right?  If not, then we're pretty lost.

 Hopefully I'm not too late to the party in posting this, but if you believe in true love, don't go see this movie.  True love isn't dominating and self-seeking.  It's self-sacrificial and self-donating.

Since I am so vehemently opposed to this movie I have been working on a couple of blog posts about it.  I couldn't really decide which to publish, so here's what I wrote for the other one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wives and Husbands.  
Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, hat he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

“For this reason a man shall leave [his] father and [his] mother

and be joined to his wife,

and the two shall become one flesh.”

This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband. 

-Eph 5:21-33

It's  Saint Valentine's day and the internet is buzzing with opinions, outrage, and excitement over a certain movie release.  I for one can't think of a worse way to honor Saint Valentine than by releasing "50 Shades of Grey".  The movie isn't about love.  It has for some reason in our disordered society been associated with love and romance.  Sure, there is sexual content in the movie, but does that equal love?  In today's society sex has been flung so far from love it has become unrecognizable.  No one remembers what sex is for.  No one remembers what love is.  Everything seems like a dizzying cycle of shock factors and pleasure seeking.  It's weird.  So weird. 

Hopefully you know by now that Saint Valentine has a great story in which his life gives witness to God's love.  That's really what we should be celebrating on this feast isn't it?  God's love and how it transforms us, our lives, our souls, and everything.  That's worth celebrating.  Pope Saint John Paul II had a favorite portion of scripture when it came to speaking of love between husband and wife and God's love; Ephesians 5 quoted above.  It reminds us what true love is and gives us true insight into relationships between men and women.

"Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ".  Not subordinate to each other for BDSM sex which is completely disordered. 

"Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies."  Dominating a woman and torturing her doesn't exactly say, "I love you and I will take care of you". 

Furthurmore, sex is about unity and procreation!  "The two shall become one flesh!"  Not about torture and twisted sexual pleasure.  Rightly ordered sexual pleasure is amazing!  Thank goodness God made Man and Woman and the marital embrace the way he did!  But when society sterilizes, twists, and fetishises what should be faithful, total, fruitful, and free we lose sight of that self-sacrificial Christ like love.  TRUE LOVE is supposed to be a mystery which reminds us of "Christ and the church". 

NOTHING about 50 shades of grey reminds us of the love Christ has for his Church.

So don't go spend your money on porn friends.  Go help a women's domestic violence shelter and help undo the way our culture is twisting and suffocating true love.

Lord, kindle a light for my guidance and scatter my darkness.

A few trains of thought, or meanderings of the  mind have been returning to me recently, so I thought I might as well write a blog post about them in case they're useful trains of thought.

At the wonderful moms group I used to attend at my former parish, our leader used to list off virtues at the beginning of every "Hail Mary" during our meeting prayers.  She used to pray for "blind obedience".  This always irked me.  On the one hand I knew that blind obedience to God would be a virtuous thing, and I trusted the prayer of my friend and group leader.  On the other hand, it stoked the fires of defense because "blind obedience" is often something Catholics are accused of.  I think the accusation is mostly that of blind obedience to seemingly arbitrary rules that make no sense.  While that is a topic for a discussion of freedom and license or Church authority, I want to address something else.

Part of me realized that the talons of "the liar" had gone so deep into my person that virtues had begun to irritate me for unknown reasons.  I mean, the world's view of the Church had seeped in so deeply that something like "blind obedience" to God seemed threatening.

So here's the kicker,  why shouldn't we be blindly obedient to God?  What does that even mean?  Have you ever had a parent or someone else ask you to do something without questioning it?  Like, "Do first, ask questions later"?  My boss at a former job used to ask this of all the employees. "Don't ask questions, just do it."  My boss was amazing, so after the first two mistakes (I guess my knee-jerk-reaction is to ask questions when told to do something....) I finally trusted my boss and obeyed.  My dad used to say things like "Just trust me!" all the time when I questioned him.  If I can trust my boss, and my dad, shouldn't I be able to trust God?

Isn't that what blind obedience is?  Trusting God?  Isn't it just laying yourself at the mercy of the one who created you? Who gave his life in a bloody sacrifice for you?  This is so hard to do.  I feel like the world has taken that ability to trust with abandon from me to some extent.  I suppose that is part of the scar of Original sin.  I'm sure I'd know more about this had I a theology degree or something, but this has just been kicking around in my head lately.  I wonder how many other areas in my soul have now been sneakily made suspicious of God through my intake of "the world."

The title of today's blog post comes from the Divine Office for today.  I suppose it's part of the psalms that I need to pray more often.  "Lord, kindle a light for my guidance and scatter my darkness."  Sometimes we have darkness that lays undiscovered.

Lord scatter the darkness I have yet to find, that you can see in your infinite vision.  Amen.

As a sidenote, I know that blind obedience to anything isn't a virtue.  This goes along with our 1st commandment.  "I am the Lord, thy God, thou shalt not have other gods besides me."  Our trust should lay with God alone and with everything he gives us and shows us.  "Put no trust in princes".   We humans wreak all sorts of havoc without God's guidance, so in general I will continue to question everything but God.

See?  Meandering.  Hopefully somewhat useful.


** Update**
My friend on fb mentioned that it seems strange to call it blind obedience if we have a relationship with the Lord.  Here's my take on it straight from the facebook thread.

"I think this is probably the key. We can have full trust in God and our relationship with him and still be blindly obedient. I may not see, but I can still trust in my God. I suppose the two are not mutually exclusive. Blindness in this sense doesn't mean that you don't have a relationship, it means that you just don't see what's ahead. So you obey, even though you don't know why, and still trust. That makes sense when we think about the trust walk and the blindfold right? Isn't it a wonderful testament to our spirit/body state that I have to recall a physical experience to make sense of spiritual thoughts?! "

I also found out that the virtue of Blind Obedience is one of the 10 virtues of Mary from St. Louis Marie de Montfort's. 

Not losing, but giving.

I can't exactly remember the context in which this topic came up at Mom's group yesterday, but I'm glad it did.  One of my mommy friends mentioned something about me probably having to give up a little more of my life or expectations every time another kid was born. I think we were talking about how society at large views motherhood and how it's not as valued in popular culture as it really should be.  The way my friend posed this idea to me reminded of me of something my husband and I had been talking about a long while back.

Some time after we got married I had mentioned to my husband the idea of a person "losing their virginity" and my husband ever so wisely corrected me by introducing the truth that in marriage virginity isn't lost, it's given.  Wife gives herself to husband, husband gives himself to wife.  Of course I knew this already, but I hadn't thought of it in terms of losing versus giving.

The same goes for when we have kids, or anytime we sacrifice of ourselves for another's benefit.  We don't lose part of ourselves, part of our lifestyle, part of our *insert whatever here* if this act of sacrifice is done in love.

Some may say I have lost my ability to go out whenever I want.  I have lost my ability to travel.  I have lost my carefree lifestyle.  I have lost my free time.  I have lost time with friends.  I have lost sleep.

It's true.  I have thought about things this way.  But now I've come to realize that I haven't really lost them.  I've been giving these things to my family.  I'm making these small sacrifices because I want to do what's best for my family.  I want them to be healthy and I want them to get to heaven.  I find solace in thinking about these sacrifices as gifts.  I think that if I continued to believe I was losing all of this, I'd become more and more upset or frustrated with every kid.

When I lose something I am irritated and upset.  Something has happened that is out of my control.  Losing something is an unfortunate circumstance.

When you give a gift, you are happy to share.  I know that I get excited when I am giving a gift to someone.  The anticipation kills me because I want so much to see the other person pleased with whatever I have to give them.  Giving is a choice.

When we enter into loving relationships we're not losing out, we're not throwing everything out the window in a begrudging manner.  I think Christ is calling us to give ourselves as a gift.  Sure it can be a terribly difficult sacrifice, but if it's a gift, we're called to give with joy right?

After all, Christ's death on the cross was a terrible sacrifice, but he did it freely as a gift for us right?

You have probably all thought of this already, but sometimes ideas click in my head in new and subtle ways and I like to share.

God Bless.

Travel bug vs. ultimate destination

In the wake of World Youth Day I found myself reminiscing about the good ol' days when I could just work, save up money, and travel all over the world.  I realized as well how incredibly fortunate I am to have been able to travel to as many places as I have.  Now that I'm a mom, I sometimes feel like the opportunities to travel and see the wonders of the world are slipping through my fingers never to return.  I have this fear that I'll never see the fantastic places that I drool over on Pinterest before I die. One of my friend's t-shirt's proclaims FOMO.  "Fear of missing out."  I totally have this fear.  I would love to go back to Paris, go see Barcelona and Greece, walk the camino, take Jon to Rome with me and spend more time in Assisi, go to the next World Youth Day in Poland, etc, etc, etc.  God created such a wonderful world full of beauty didn't he?

Two weeks ago I was privileged to give a talk at my parish about my travels in Calcutta.  While it was a pleasure to reminisce and impart the wisdom of Mother Teresa and my travel experiences and lessons to other parishoners, I found that one of the last "travel lessons" in my talk gave me pause.

The night before I left Calcutta I truly felt like I was going to die.  My poor asthmatic lungs were just giving way to the pollution and I literally gasped for breath the entire night.  If you don't believe me, ask Annie.  I spent the whole night having a minor near death experience and praying the Act of Contrition over and over until I think I passed out for a couple of hours.  I honestly thought I would die that night in that crazy, dingy, rooftop hostel room on Sudder Street.  I mention this experience because it was while praying the act of contrition over and over that I realized what was most important.  It was my relationship with Christ.   Priority #1!  I was praying the act of contrition because I was sorry for everything I had done wrong and I really, really, really, wanted to see Jesus on the flip side if I died.

What does this have to do with travel?

Well, I think that sometimes I forget about priorities.  Are you with me?  We all do this don't we?  While travel, material goods, excitement, and rich experiences are fun, they aren't the main goal.  They aren't our final destination.  So should we feel like we're missing out if we're concentrating on priority #1?

Priority #1 for me right now entails changing diapers, being a supportive wife, not complaining all the time, being nice to my children, trying to teach my children about God, trying to teach my kids the alphabet, making dinner, cleaning high chairs, doing laundry, wiping poop off bums, and everything else being a stay at home mom entails.

Priority #1's details are definitely not as exciting as swimming in the mediterranean sea or hiking in the mountains of Spain.  I have always known in my head that the "unforgettably exciting life experiences" shouldn't be made into an idol, but I suppose I never thought about what lies in heaven on a grand scale in comparison to them.  I never imagined that all the wonderful places on earth will pale in comparison to heaven and being in the presence of God.  I never imagined that I would still probably be able to see every place on earth while in heaven anyways.

This silly popular phrase "YOLO" keeps getting thrown around.  "You only live once!"  But really, if we have priority #1 in our sights, living once will mean living forever won't it?  So I guess what I'm getting at is, while it's fun and sometimes good to chase after excitement and rich experiences, don't let those experiences get in the way of priority #1.  Because ultimately, our relationship with Christ will get us the most unbelievable, all-inclusive, all expenses paid, never ending vacation we've ever had.  If we have priority #2 in order, we might even be able to take all our friends and family with us!

Won't it be amazing?

Marital Infidelity in the media

Does anyone else get bothered by all the marital infidelity in the media? 

Honestly, this never used to bother me, or maybe I just never paid attention to it.   Before I got married I watched lots of shows that had all sorts of cheating and lying and horrible things, but I guess I got desensitized to it.  It's weird, and cool that marriage can re-sensitize you to some things.

I think someone (maybe Kristine?) blogged about something like this in relation to her children.  Something like seeing children hurt makes you automatically sad because you think of your own child and how horrible it would be if he or she was hurt. 

I think the same thing is happening in my mind with marriage. 

Every time I see someone cheat, or flirt on tv or in a movie when they have a husband or wife it makes my skin crawl.  Sometimes even if I'm enjoying the rest of the show I just want to turn it off because it's so offensive.  I think, "Ugh, how could you do that to your husband or wife?  How could you then just turn around and go back to them pretending you didn't cheat on them and lie to their face?"  Ugh.  It grosses me out.   More than that it gives me irrational nightmares.  Not that nightmares are usually rational, but you know what I mean, Jon would never do that (I am also pregnant and pregnancy dreams are usually crazy).  I wish netflix had better descriptions on its movies so you'd know which movies had marital infidelity in them along with other offenses.   

I suppose it's something that comes when you learn to appreciate marriage and your spouse and what this Holy Sacrament means in your life.  I can't even imagine that this happens all the time in real life.  Shame on you mass media for making it seem commonplace, fun, and daring. 

Marital infidelity tears marriages apart, it ruins relationships, it scars husbands, wives, children, and society.  Blech.

It makes the world believe LOVE doesn't really exist anymore.  God is love.  Work the logic friends.  Marriage makes God and his love known to the world in an amazing way.

Let's pray for stronger marriages and those who have been hurt by marital infidelity.  The world needs it.

(I'm starting to meld blogs now, I like the prayer thing on the food blog so I'm going to do it here too.)

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Dear God,

  thank you for Jon my amazing husband.  :)  Help all of us who are married to always be faithful to our marriage vows and to you God.  Bless and comfort those husbands, wives, and families who have been scarred by marital infidelity and help them to once again believe in love and in you as the source of all love.  Amen.

my Vision board? How about a vision list?

So my friend from High School (Natalia) has in the last little while become a really inspired/inspiring mom.  She gave birth to her little Tiana just a few weeks before Mikey got evicted from the Mom motel and (I think) little Tiana has changed her mommy's life.  It seems Nat has become really excited about being a mom and wants to tell everyone else that being a mom can be amazing!

 She's started a business called Tutu Mama and now she's doing a series of vlogs for moms where she is basically trying to light a fire under our bums for whatever inspires us.  Great idea.  I love how energetic and inspired she is!  Way to go Nat! 

Well anyways, she has been asking her blog readers and vlog viewers to make vision boards on pinterest or the old fashioned way a la collage.  Since I neither have the desire to register for another (probably cool, but at this point unpractical for me) time vacuum, and I don't own a plethora of magazines, I'm going to make a rather bland....Vision list!  Ha ha!  Sorry for being so boring Nat.

Here it goes.
Things I'd like to be really good at...or good at again.

Making time for prayer and meditation. Gosh it was so easy in college wasn't it? I just need to drag myself out of bed early in the morning so I can worship my amazing God. It's ridiculous how lazy I am in the morning, really.  If my children could form more coherent sentences to describe my morning behavior, I'd be in trouble.



Playing piano, guitar, sax, flute, violin. - It saddens me a bit to think about how much I used to practice and play some of these instruments and probably how lethargic my fingers and embouchure have gotten in the last few years.  C'est la vie.  My arms are stronger from toting babies around and my vocals have improved from singing many a lullaby.  There's hope yet.

Making sourdough bread. - I know I can feed a sourdough starter, because it bubbles happily.  I know I can make good bread with conventional yeast.  But gosh darn that sourdough just does not taste good, look good or have good texture.  But I WILL get it.  Gah.  Tips?

Blogging more frequently...... Ha ha ha!  I don't know if I actually feel a need to get better at this, or if I just feel bad for the people who have me on their blog roll.  They probably think I've given up, but alas, every 3 or 4 months I do blog.  Hopefully it won't be so long until my next installment.

Couponing.  I am totally inspired by my friends who are saving loads of cash or getting paid to buy stuff.  I know it would be a great asset to our family's budget if I could get toothpaste, toilet paper, or Kleenex for free.  One of these days when I get life a teeny, tiny, bit more organized, I'm going hunting on blogs for those organic and all natural coupons.  Gosh I wish they had coupons for organic produce.  Ha ha! 

Putting pictures into albums or frames.  Some of you from high school and college who saw my room will probably remember seeing photos taped to the walls in creative shapes.  No, I don't still do that in our apartment, but now the poor pictures just sit in boxes, or even worse, in folders on the computer never to be printed out.  At least they're on facebook, right?  I have been blessed with so many amazing experiences in my life and I have taken a lot of pictures of those experiences, but gosh no one else is seeing them!  I suppose it'd help if I could hang a picture straight.  I don't know what it is.  It's like cutting paper, I can't cut straight either.

Canning/jarring fruit and other stuff.  To be honest, we don't have a pantry so this isn't really do-able at the moment unless I want to stock Mikey's closet with jars full of peaches and tomatoes.  But after reading food blog after food blog about canning and "putting up" summer fruits, it makes me want to seize the opportunity and stuff things into jars!  When we have more space, and when Jon and I learn to break things less often, this will happen.

Reading!  I used to read so much, but at the end of the day all I seem to want to do is veg out.  We have so many amazing books on the shelves that could probably really help out my spiritual life and general human maturity.  Seriously, we have a pretty nice looking Catholic library in here and so far Jon is the only one making use of it!  The most reading I've done in the last few months is thumbing through my Medicinal Plants of the world book (reference book, not exactly a book you delve into) checking out herbal remedies. 

It's not an incredibly exciting vision list, but that's as far as my "dreams" go at the moment.  Not exactly glamorous, but exciting in their way.  I don't know about you, but perfecting a stellar sourdough boule would be crazy fantastic! 


But here's another short list of things I will be doing, for sure in the near future.
-Making cheese.  I found a recipe for paneer/queso fresco/cottage cheese on saveur.com that looks super easy and I'm going to make it.  Did you know that those were all the same thing?  Yeah, me neither until I watched a few youtube videos tonight.

-Putting a bunch of photos into an album.  My fabulous friend Annie gave me a coupon code for Snapfish last week.  It's one of those photo sharing/printing websites.  I printed out a huge load of photos from when Clare was born up until now and they will finally be out for viewing pleasure in our living room!  Woohoo!  Thanks Annie!



Any tips for my aspirations?

I'm a doctor mama.

Clare walked into the bathroom this morning with her kiddo laptop and said, "I'm a doctor mama. I'm going to check you."


I said, "You're a doctor just like Dr. Platz?"

She said, "Yes just like Dr. Platz. I'm going to check you 'cuz your heart hurts."

She sat down on the floor and started typing on her toy laptop and said, "Don't move, I'm going to check you."

"Where's your stethoscope?" I said.

"Oh, let me go get it."

She got my old book light which actually does look like a medical instrument and proceeded to check me with it and now she is insisting that I stand on the scale. Ha ha ha!

Should we start saving for Med School now?

how much I LOVE to cook!

I recently sent an email to my sisters in law with some recipes that I make on a regular basis.  I thought I'd share in case anyone was bored with their usual repertoire and in need of new recipes. 
In no particular order.

Yucatan Lime Soup


Jon's fav (we had it at a restaurant on our honeymoon after a snorkeling excursion and he had me find a recipe when we got home! Ha ha!)

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/yucatan-lime-soup-recipe/index.html


Filipino Adobo - serve over rice!

1lb chicken (pork ribs or country style ribs work too)
1/4 cup of soy sauce
1/4 cup of vinegar
2 tablespoons of water
4 cloves of garlic
1 bay leaf
Pepper to taste

Put all the ingredients in a pot (the liquid should come half way up the chicken) and bring up to a boil. Don't stir until it boils (my grandma says that it gets sour if you stir it before it boils). Once it's boiled then stir it and turn the temp down to low and let it simmer for half an hour or more until the chicken or pork is tender. That's it! Enjoy!


Beef Pastel - Filipino Beef Stew (Pie)

This is actually supposed to be a beef stew with a pie top crust. I don't usually make the crust.

Ingredients
1lb stew meat (Mom uses sirloin since she doesn't usually use the slow cooker)
1tbsp butter or olive oil (grandma says use butter)
1/2 c onions
1 can mushroom soup
2 potatoes
2 carrots
1c peas
mushrooms (as much as you like)

Brown the beef lightly. Drain meat and set aside. Heat butter in pan, add onions and beef and saute until the
beef is completely brown. Add the can of mushroom soup (no water). Simmer on low-medium heat until beef is almost tender. Add potatoes and carrots, cook until almost done. Add mushrooms and peas, cook a bit more. Season with salt and pepper.

If you want you can do it in the slow cooker to make the beef really, really tender. Just add the vegetables (besides the onions) into the slow cooker an hour or two before you want it to finish.

Quiche!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/spinach-and-bacon-quiche-recipe/index.html

Beef and Spinach Burritos

http://shallwecook.blogspot.com/2009/02/beef-and-spinach-burritos.html


Tilapia Parmesan  (You know, for Fridays)

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Broiled-Tilapia-Parmesan/Detail.aspx#


Indian Butter Chicken

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe-Tools/Print/Recipe.aspx?RecipeID=24782&servings=6


Shepherd's Pie

Sorta goes something like this.
Saute ground beef with chopped onions and garlic.
Add veggies (carrots, peas, green beans)
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Add a tablespoon of flour and a bit of water to make a bit of gravy-ish substance.
Throw into a casserole dish, top with mashed potatoes and sprinkle with a bit of cheese. Pop it in the oven until everything is warm and the cheese has melted.

Hot wings (or thighs or drumsticks)
Marinate chicken in buttermilk +salt and pepper for an hour or two.
Toss into a bag with breadcrumbs and a bit of whole wheat flour.
Bake in a 400 oven for 30 minutes until just about done.
Toss in 1/4cup of hot sauce and a tablespoon of butter.
Return to oven for 10 minutes.

(Variations) Plain Breaded Chicken or Lemon Pepper Chicken
If you just want to make breaded chicken this works too without the hot sauce step. I've also tried making lemon pepper chicken this way by marinating in lemon juice before, adding lemon pepper seasoning to the breading, then tossing in lemon and butter at the end.

 
I also love to drool at the recipes on Saveur.com  and davidlebovitz.com 
 
I find allrecipes.com very helpful too.  Happy Cooking!!
 
 

..how important Guardian Angels are.

A conversation I had with Clare today while we were getting in the car.

          Clare:  It's (seatbelt) too tight!!

          Me:  Your seatbelt has to be tight.  Your seatbelt protects you while you're in the car.

          Clare:  No, my angel protects me.


Duh.  I should know better.  Ha ha ha!

...that I knew nothing about liturgical music in College.

This post may catch some of you off guard. This post may even upset some of you, but I feel this needs to be said so that I can come clean with all of you. It’s somewhat of a confession. It also lets you in on my educational journey. I’ll get on with it then.


I knew nothing about liturgical music in college. During my junior year I was blessed to have been chosen to serve as peer minister of music. I happen to have some musical abilities and had been in many choirs and church choirs at the time. For some reason this led me to believe that I was qualified to lead music at Mass.

I tell you now, I am not qualified to lead music at Mass. Retreats? Sure. Praise and Worship sessions? Sure. Campfires? Sure. Mass? No, definitely not.

Throughout high school I was part of choir and at my Catholic high school, the choir provided music at Mass. During my 12th grade year our choir changed leadership and our protestant calculus teacher took over the duties of choir director. She was anglican I believe. She was full of faith, full of vibrancy and had a special love for praise and worship music. This is where my interest in Praise and Worship music entered. At first I was hesitant and constantly thinking, “We shouldn’t sing this music, it’s protestant.” At some point I voiced this opinion to one of the teachers at my high school who responded, “So? It speaks about Jesus doesn’t it? It’s Biblical isn’t it? What’s wrong with it?” At the time this answer satisfied me and from there my desire to sing the faith filled ballads grew.

Fast forward to college. At the Campus Ministry Masses where I went to college our choir sang “Catholic Top 40”. You know the songs - On Eagles Wings, You Are Near, One Bread One Body etc. When I was chosen to be the music minister I began to think about “spicing”things up a bit. I decided that I’d add in some praise and worship music because I knew that many people at the campus ministry came from a “Life Teen” background and I knew that “Life Teen” was heavily influenced by praise and worship music. I thought that it would make Mass more inviting and familiar to freshman coming in from “Life Teen” parishes. I also happened to like a lot of PnW songs from my high school experience.

To all of you who I led in song, I apologize. To all of you who questioned my choice of music after I took the music ministry in a new direction, I apologize. I did not know what I was doing.

After I graduated and while I was discerning I came to an appreciation of a few things, namely sacredness and reverence. At the time, I was discerning religious life and the order that seemed to strike me the most was the Benedictine Order. Benedictines are known for (among other things) being contemplatives and for their liturgy. Through spending time with the Benedictine Monks in Mission and the Sisters of St. Walburga I came to an appreciation of chant and polyphony. I began to more fully understand why the Church claims these forms of music as her music. This appreciation grew even more as Jon and I talked and grew closer and has grown even more so in our marriage. Somehow I began to understand how chant and polyphony don’t disrupt the silence that should envelop your soul while at Mass. I began to understand that music at Mass shouldn’t distract you from Christ, it should invite you to focus more precisely on Him who you came to worship.

Last year we were fortunate to go to half a workshop (at my parent’s parish in BC) on Liturgical Music by a UBC Music Grad named Peter Mulholland. We missed the first half which was an overview of Liturgical Music from the beginning of the Church onward. During the second half we learned about what the Popes have said about liturgical music, how it is supposed to be evaluated (how to tell which music is fitting), how liturgical music flows with and out of the liturgy, and we even learned how to chant a bit. It was so incredibly enlightening.

Did you know that the music at Mass should be evaluated by Holiness, Universality and Goodness of Form? Did you know that what the Pope said about liturgical music has been ignored by many Bishops? Did you know that the songs at Mass are supposed to be replacements for the antiphons? Did you know there isn’t really supposed to be a Recessional hymn? Did you know that the Church favors the Organ as the instrument for Mass Music? Did you know that when Readings are chanted there are specific intonations to designate specific statements? Did you know that different readings during Mass have specific chants? How intricate!!! How beautiful!!! How much is being lost in our quick and generic song choices!

Do you know that feeling when you hear the truth? It’s as if you hear Christ’s voice and a light goes on in some room of your soul. That’s what it felt like to discover the beauty of liturgical music in this workshop.

Unfortunately, many people like me have made mistakes (though with good intentions) with Mass music. I can understand that if music sounds nice and if it speaks about Jesus that you could think it’s appropriate for Mass. But if you contrast it with the beautiful music our Church has claimed for herself and pair that with what our Vicar of Christ has said about music, I don’t see how some of the music that is played at Masses today can be accepted.

Mass music is supposed to lift our minds and hearts to God. The Mass is supposed to help us transcend time to meet with Christ himself in the Blessed Sacrament. Our souls should be filled with reverence, solemnity and wonder while we behold Christ at Mass. Doesn’t it seem fitting that the music at mass should be reflective of this?

When I think of playing music with the electric guitar and people dancing around in silliness during Mass as a result of my Music leadership my heart is heavy. I want everyone to learn what I’ve learned. I want all music ministers to know what the Church says. I wish I had bothered to ask, learn, seek, and study what the Church says about Music while I was a music minister. I pray no one was scandalized by the music I chose and sang.

God help me. If only I had more humility. Forgive me for my mistakes!

UIOGD. Sing well, pray well, Christ deserves it.

If you want to know more about liturgical music and read the documents from the Vatican many of them can be found on the Adoremus website.

....why I shouldn't worry about my children's future

For the last couple of weeks I’ve caught the end of the show “The Biggest Loser.” After this show there’s one called “Parenthood.” Last week “Parenthood” looked interesting, so yesterday, I thought I’d stay up and watch an hour of it.


In this episode two parents find out that their daughter (I think she’s supposed to be 16 or 17) has begun having sex with her boyfriend. The girl’s parents find this out in a terrible way when the girl accidentally calls her parents on her iphone by hitting it with her foot during sex. When her parents answered their phone while they were in the car they heard ….something they did not want to hear.

A little later, the girl’s mother confronts her and asks her if she’s having sex with her boyfriend, to which the girl responds, “no, no, no.” A few days later she comes to her mom and says, “Okay yes, we’re having sex.” Her mother responds with a look of shock and begins to ask her if she’s using condoms and “being safe”, if she’s being forced, etc. The girl says she’s using a condom and that she wasn’t being forced, to which her mother responded with more looks of disbelief and nothing else. When her father finds out he avoids her and tells her mother that he doesn’t have anything to say to her. At some point during the show the daughter breaks down and doesn’t understand why she’s being shunned and judged by her father and her mother only says, “we wish that you would have waited”. Her father at some point says, “I don’t ever want you to get hurt.”

This episode at first glance would seem pretty normal for a modern family. As I watched it, I empathised with these people more than I ever have with characters on a television show because I realized that this is the world in which I am parenting my children. I had a few panicked moments of horror saying over and over to myself, “THIS CANNOT, WILL NOT, happen to Clare or Mikey.” I was stuttering in my thoughts with sheer terror at the situation the parents in the show were faced with. I kept thinking, “What would I do? What would I say? How would I react?”

Towards the end of the show the father was talking to his sister (who is a parent of an incredibly rebellious teen who had at that point in the show run away). Of his emotional distance from his daughter he said, “I figured what she needs now is space”, to which his sister responds saying something like “When they think they know better than you and when they push you away that’s when you need to show up, to push harder, to be there. It may be too late for me.” I thought that was great. That’s exactly what a parent needs to do, to show up for their work, to guide their children, to lay down the law and show them how to pull themselves out of the miry clay.

It was strange watching this show as a Catholic parent. I found it odd that the girl’s parents didn’t seem to have any idea of why they were upset by their daughter having pre-marital sex. They also didn’t seem to address what they wanted their daughter to wait for. They merely said, “We wish you would have waited.” These parents seemed ill prepared to talk to their daughter about this situation and the only questions they posed to her were to ask if she was using a condom and if she was being forced. I fear this is the case with many parents today.

Most parents will acknowledge that they are upset about their child losing his or her virgininty, but don’t understand why and don’t know what to say or how to talk to their children. I hope and pray this never happens to us as parents and I feel more and more blessed and hopeful because I know that Jon and I are equipped with Christ’s truth. Thank God for John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. Thank God we have heard the good news and know the freedom that the Church proclaims about human sexuality. God help us when our children hit their teen years (or pre-teen years) and start to feel society’s pressure to have pre-marital sex.

This show just reminded me that we as parents need to pray SO hard for our children. Please pray for us as we struggle to raise up holy souls. Dear God use us in our brokenness and help us to be instruments that bring you glory.

Gah, what a horrible episode. I don’t recommend that show, but I guess I’m glad that watching it stirred up this reflection.

UIOGD.

....that I need prayers this week.

Hi,
just asking for a few quick prayers this week.
Please pray for:
1. Thursday night I'll be starting week 1 of 3 weeks of Theology of the Body with our Confirmation class. We're talking about Masculinity and Femininity.

2. Friday afternoon we leave for the Confirmation Retreat. We're running our own this year and not just joining with another parish. Jon and Clare will be hanging out with Grandma. I'll be taking Mikey with me. I'm not worried about anything on the retreat, but I am worried that Mikey is all of a sudden going to go out of character and be a psycho, screaming, noisy baby. Lots of prayers please.

3. Please pray for our teens this weekend as they learn how and why to defend the Kingdom of God.

Thanks!!!

UIOGD.

...that Holy is not the same as "okay".

Do you ever have conversations in your head? Do you ever test out conversations and have them play out in your mind? I have been doing this a lot lately, mainly because I've been thinking a lot about a few big decisions we'll have to make when the kids get older. The decision I've been thinking a lot about lately is school. But before I get into that, let me give you some background.

For the past year I have had the honor (or should I write honour? Hee hee!) of being on the Seattle Archdiocese's Womens commission for Marriage and the Family. It's basically a committee of women and a few married couples who have been nominated and approved to serve the Archbishop in finding out what Catholic Married couples and Families in the Seattle Archdiocese need most. So we've been talking a lot about raising up good and holy Catholic families by supporting and properly catechising those entering Catholic Marriage. Etc, etc.

During the preparation of our document for the Archbishop we've come across the idea of raising saints. I was told, by my good friend Fr. Oakland, at Michael's baptism that my job (and Jon's) as a parent is to raise up Michael as a saint. This is no easy task or light order. That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Thanks Father! I need to raise saints? I need to do my best to make Clare and Michael saints? Yikes! I mean, I knew this when I got married, but it hit me in a different way, a more tangible way at Michael's baptism when Father res-iterated our duties as good Catholic parents.

So back to the conversation in my head. I've been thinking about what to do about Clare's schooling, since we'll be headed that way in a few years. I really don't want her to go to public school because that's not something I did for elementary school, nor is it something Jon did.

My personal preference would be to find her a wonderful Catholic school for her to attend that we could afford. This is no small feat, since Catholic schools are incredibly expensive here. They were a large chunk of money in Canada where I grew up, but at least there, they were subsidized by the government. Here people pay almost double of what my mom did.

Then.....there was the third option. The option that I didn't want to acknowledge at all. The option that I wasn't open to at all. The option that I have so many horrible stereotypes in my own head about. Homeschooling.

Now I know many people who are going to homeschooling route. Many of them are cool, young, trendy, Catholic moms my age. Many of them have degrees. Heck, I even know some amazing young adults who were home schooled. I love and respect these people. But for some reason the word homeschooling in my head just conjures up images of denim jumpers, awkward children, cultish people and snooty families.

I have almost convinced myself that it's okay though. Almost.
So the conversation that was going on in my head last night as I was brushing my teeth, was me trying to convince person x (anyone really, probably more myself) that homeschooling is the best option. Here's how the conversation played out:

person x: What the heck? Why would you home school your kids?

Me: Because right now it seems like the best option financially and spiritually.

person x: Why don't you just send them to public school?

Me: because I don't want them to be so influenced by the junk that's floating around in our culture and I want them to be solid in their faith.

person x: But there are lots of kids that go to public school that turn out okay.

Me: But that's just it. I don't want my kids to be "okay".

And this is where the conversation stops and my reflection begins again. Whenever I hear people say, "but we turned out okay. You turned out okay." I used to think, "yeah ....but" and then I never had a quick answer. The answer is this: I don't want my kids to be "okay" I want them to be Holy. I want my kids to be the least messed up emotionally and spiritually as they can possibly be. If this means I have to home school them so that they know their faith, trust their parents, and don't buy into the lies our culture tells them about...well everything, then so be it. If God gives me another wonderful option, then Thanks God!


Anyways. I thought I would share my insane conversations. Sometimes they're pretty good.

Oh, and speaking of another option. Ha ha! Last night, I heard about this amazing school, which
happens to have lower tuition, is less than 20 minutes away from us, and just happens to be so solidly Catholic that they teach the children LATIN. Crazy eh? I wonder if this is one of those Abraham type situations where God tests you to the breaking point and just says, "Okay, nevermind. I just wanted to see if you'd be obedient." and then hands you what you were looking for all along. I feel like that happens to me a lot.

Here's the link for that school.

Veritas Academy Kenmore, WA

UIOGD